Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Friday, May 27, 2005

A new leaf for me

Tonite, as I ascend back up into my cozy little habitat for a bit of respite from my canine foes, I stare down at the endless rows of nodescript man-houses and despair. Why do they settle for mediocrity? Why this insatiable need to be surrounded by those that are just like them, safely nestled away from anything that could do them harm? It has occurred to me that maybe they don't care, or maybe they have been dulled by the instant gradification culture of the day. Take the way they approach food. Are you hungry? Don't go kill something and feast on its still-warm flesh, or rummage in the open wilderness for fresh, wild berries, just go grab a cookie. Cookies require no work, they taste great, and they hit the spot. Besides, there are hundreds of different kinds of cookies, right? You can eat a different kind of cookie every day, and never even have to eat the same type of cookie again for months. Eventually you may even believe that you like a wide range of snacks, just like those people who say they like "all kinds of music, but when you ask for clarification, they say something like, "Led Zepplin, Metallica, Rush, the Beastie Boys, even Jewel. You know, everything, really." Perhaps, in many ways, the cookie represents at that is wrong with advanced civilization. People are so enamored with the luxuries afforded to them by their cherished technogolgy that they often forget the deeper joys of life.

You know, I think I am going to give up cookies, once and for all. From now on, it's all natural for me. I want true variety. You can keep your Oreos, your Chip's Ahoy!, and even your E.L. Fudge. You can even keep those overpriced girl scout cookies... save them for when you're watching someone else live out their dreams on "Survivor" or "American Idol." As for me, I am going to take the high road, and you know what? I think I'll be all the better for it.

37 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice read, thanks!

8:40 AM  
Blogger Kay-D said...

FIGHT THE SYSTEM, DUDE!!!

8:48 AM  
Blogger Ian said...

I was pleasantly surprised to find this blog. Thank you!

10:02 AM  
Blogger Beo said...

Artifical fillers in our need to feed more with less is killing us. But the biggest killer is ignorance itself. You eat what you know.:)

5:54 PM  
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12:38 AM  
Blogger Thor said...

Wow. That was really powerful. I don't know what was going through your head but, you're just amazing. I'm bookmarking this page.

6:59 AM  
Blogger todd vodka said...

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11:33 AM  
Blogger Mad Alice said...

I am enlightened.



::heart::

8:30 PM  
Blogger Last of X said...

Very interesting - but I'm going to keep my cookies, thanks. ;)

4:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The apathetic immitation of those around you could be what creates this society of mediocrity. Safety in numbers.
Well done for forsaking cookies, open your mind and follow it to its logical conclusion.

5:21 AM  
Blogger BJChispas said...

Alrighty, your point is that by eating a variety of cookies we are lulled into a false sense of variety in our lives, just as say... in watching Fear Factor we are fooled in believing we actually live daringly? Is this what you are saying?

Perhaps the solution is not to give up cookies altogether, but to explore making your OWN cookies, not relying on storebought ones. Then you could discover the zen of baking ... :)

7:05 PM  
Blogger Gern said...

That's too heavy for me...

What the Hell is wrong with you people?

9:43 PM  
Blogger Petunia McGillicuddy said...

Diet For a Small Planet: part III, section 2: Who Asked for Fruit Loops?

"Well, don't blame the corporations," he told me. "If people are stupid enough to eat junk food, they deserve to get sick. Naturally corporations are going to make what sells best."
I think he summed up pretty well how most Americans view these changes in our diet. They are seen as the more or less inevitable consequences of combining the corporate profit motive with human weakness. And since you can't change either, why stew about it?
I'm convinced that this view is popular because while it appears to assign responsibility (to the gullible individual), it is really a way to evade responsibility for our economic ground rules. Once accepted, these ground rules justify such practices as feeding 145 million tons of grain to livestock.

Strategic Plan of Conglomerated Foods, Inc:
Squeeze out competition (smaller, regional producers)
Expand sales base (overseas, too!)
Create illusion of diversity

the chapter could very well be called, "Who asked for 30 different kinds of Fruit Loops?"

11:15 PM  
Blogger petrol said...

Here's what you fail to notice about cookies: you can make them. Sure, it's not the same as killing and eating, but I don't exacty have a squirrel-or-deer-killing permit for my backyard. But just making cookies is not my point. Once you make them, you can feed them to others, who are then amazed by your ability to not just take things out of boxes and also amazed by the tastiness of your cookies. This makes people more likely to do things you want from them later.

5:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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8:18 AM  
Blogger ManWhore said...

A great article, but what about those who hunt untamed cookies in the wild? And what about wild pastry hunters? And feral cheese sandwiches stalkers?

12:15 PM  
Blogger Debi said...

Does this apply to beer as well?

2:53 PM  
Blogger Ovedya said...

Yes, but overpriced or not, "Thin Mints" definately kick ass on the cookie scale of one-to-one hundred.

3:55 PM  
Blogger me said...

ninjas are so smart.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Dr. Jekyll said...

Stick it to the man is all I can say dude! Smoke another, lay back and relax, it'll come to ya! Killer site!

5:32 PM  
Blogger Mava-Roe said...

Well, I don't actually eat storebought cookies.... at lunch, I give them away to other people... Actually, I give a lot of my stuff away to other people. But not ham. Ham is good. Unfortunetly, I don't kill it myself.

But I must say- good for you, sensai in the way of breaking the system! *bows*

Though I must say- if that is your decision- you might want to consider changing your blog name.

7:02 PM  
Blogger the Witch said...

"Let's strive for mediocrity!"
-Danny Elfman

12:44 PM  
Blogger Justin said...

Try the Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies at Potbelly's - they will bring you back to the dark (chocolate) side. mwuahahaha

1:40 PM  
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3:07 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

That high road goes right beside the keebler elf tree... be cautious!
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3:51 PM  
Blogger Zniper175 said...

My original quote would look crude and uninspired beside it's delightfully sarcstic and well thought out brethren.
Not yet 7'oclock and I'm feeling the bite of inferiority....DAMN YOU ALL!!!

4:37 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

I am a big fan of hunted food. As a matter of fact I have recently returned from a "NY Strip" hunt that went well. Granted, there is not much sport in tracking and killing cattle but it is much more fulfilling to eat a meal whose leavings can provide material to make a nice pair of shoes.

8:10 AM  
Blogger cheapsunglasses said...

cookie trivia:
the oven they bake thin mint girl scout cookies is the size of a football field

10:49 AM  
Blogger Amber(Sorcha) said...

U R HILARIOUS!!

(and I love ninjas)

11:56 AM  
Blogger Lucy Stern said...

Make your own cookies, do some canning, store for a rainy day, grow a garden, get back to nature. You are missing something in your row house.

1:38 PM  
Blogger 10019 said...

Don't give up the overpriced Girl Scout cookies. They come out just once a year. They could be your once a year treat. The girls in my troop live in a homeless shelter. They would not be able to go to summer camp if not for those overpriced cookies!

8:18 PM  
Blogger in search of IQ said...

amazing approach, funny, refreshing and original1

5:23 AM  
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1:21 PM  
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