Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Friday, June 03, 2005

Enzymes: the real, ultimate power!

Well, its been a week, and giving up cookies turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. My new all-natural lifestyle has lead me into a whole new world. During this week, I have discovered the true secret to real, ultimate power... the life force of the enzymes in... raw food! It turns out that cooking food past 116 degrees Farenheit causes the food's enzymes to break down, which in turn causes the food to lose most of its "life force." Sure, cooked food can sustain life, but can it give you the strength to overcome lameness? In most cases, it cannot! Man, if only I had found out sooner, maybe I could've gotten the clan together, downed a few pine nuts, and we could have saved the world from pirates, dogs, and suburbia in one fowl swoop. Truly, a life without life force is not worth living.

Armed with the power of this new knowledge, I have only one choice. I am going to go to the store, then I am going to by a dozen bags of double chocolate Milanos, then I am going to repent of my stupidity by committing seppuku (frisbee style of course) with them. I know it sounds crazy, but that is just how pissed off I am right now. How could I have been snared by the same twisted idealism that is usually reserved for the guilt-ridden business elite and their hemp jewelry-peddling spawn? I feel dirty, and I don't know if I will ever feel clean again.

29 Comments:

Blogger Mava-Roe said...

Pissed off can be fun sometimes. But only sometimes; other times, 'tis not so great a thing.

And as to the feeling dirty- repent, reflect, and go meditate under a waterfall. Think of a zen proverb.
Here- I'll even give you one.

Return to oneness and discover its essece. Being dazzled by appearence you miss the truth. Go beyond both appearence and emptiness and find the unmoving center. (Sosans' Hsing Hsing Ming)

*scratches head* I'm still trying to figure that one out.

8:55 PM  
Blogger INGA said...

check out my blog @ www.ingaexplainsitall.blogspot.com!

5:35 PM  
Blogger Claude said...

Confessing your sins to a sinister stranger may make you feel better ... or smother your rage in chocolate ... either way, you'll sleep better at night.

9:55 PM  
Blogger bikipatra said...

My colon hurts hearing about raw food.

1:13 AM  
Blogger Mou said...

catch live prawns and stuffing them down, that's the ninja way.

relax and concentrate on your breathing tchniques, mighty ninja, and find the Way.

3:44 AM  
Blogger confuzzr said...

shit man,you actually went a week
with out cookies! and your eating raw food! fuck man, maybe it may be
helping your life,but that is just
insane what your doing!!!

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'fell swoop' not 'foul'

1:13 PM  
Blogger HadesGigas said...

enzymes are delicious with rice

5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's the fall of many modern-day American's to think that they found the secret to the're food problems, by deciding to only eat one kind of food. It's really just going from one extreme to the other.

Go ahead and eat cookies! Just don't eat too many. Go ahead and eat raw foods, just don't be afraid to eat cooked foods. Remmember, the Chinese miners in the North West outlived the cocasion miners due to the simple fact that they boiled their water for tea!

Here's a piece of information that will save your life and stress load:
Everything in moderation, nothing in excess.

That includes exercise!

5:41 PM  
Blogger Thor said...

I love this blog. But anyway- as i was saying.

Its good to eat something still moving once in a while. But you have to eat something fake, too, once in a while. Think about it.
If there was only day, everything would burn up. If there was only night, nothing would grow. You need a balance somewhere. If there's only one person on a see-saw, they would fall down. And most of all-

Obi Wan Kanobi-"Only Sith deal in absolutes."

But keep up the good work!

6:08 PM  
Blogger Samus said...

My colon aches with anticipation.

8:34 PM  
Blogger attentionplease said...

oh gee, now i know where my lameness comes from....

8:51 PM  
Blogger Ilene said...

Real ninjas have acid in their bellies; no one gets out of there alive!

9:09 PM  
Blogger JM O'Donnell said...

You also destroy a lot of the antioxidants and other things in food by cooking it as well. Quite a lot of the nutritional value of stuff, particularly vegetables, is lost through cooking processes. Raw stuff is better for that as a result.

9:12 PM  
Anonymous The Southern Vixen said...

Anonymous, did you really say cocasion miners? Were you trying to say caucasian? Geez. Some people.

11:20 PM  
Blogger fmragtops said...

Enzymes? Does rare steak and hamburger count? If not, I guess I'll have to start stalking and killing my own cows to ensure funky-fresh enzymes at their funkiest and freshest. I wonder if a katana would work better than a gun for killing a cow.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Concious said...

awesome post
i just recently got into sprouts
and away from processed foods
but it feels great so far.
im excited to live like a hunter gatherer
cause they were the most badass and were extremely healthy

4:21 PM  
Blogger devin tomaney said...

i'm looking for work. at first i wanted to be a writer. then a samurai, i even had a dream about it.

and then i wanted to work at t&a with my roommate because she gets free deserts.

really, i just want to be an assassin. a ninja position may suffice.

but really, i just want to be as cool as my friend alex.

do you know any one who is hiring? i'm willing to travel, as long as i can bring my fish.

5:27 PM  
Blogger A Cranky Old Jew said...

If you think plain old raw food is good, wait until you compress everything into small, 3"x2" bar forms. Not only does it truly harness the power of the food gods, but it's usually much quicker!

8:48 PM  
Blogger oilspill said...

I hate it when I get made. I usually take my anger on nonliving objects though. Not cookies!

1:15 PM  
Blogger Thaozee said...

Enzymes made me what I am today

8:56 PM  
Blogger The awkwarD said...

I too have adventured into the raw foods living. I usually can only handle it up to a week until I have to dive in for that cookie...

12:58 PM  
Blogger Ronald McDonald said...

Raw is bad, eat more Big Macs. I once ate raw food and it turned my hair red!

1:52 PM  
Blogger TwistedNoggin said...

I love raw food, but I firmly beleive in a balance of everything. Some nutrients are better absorbed from lightly cooked veggies. Some are killed off by heat. Best to eat some of each, I think.
Just stay away from hydrogentated oils! Poison!

2:08 PM  
Blogger jango8 said...

eating raw food is where it pays off, a succulant lamb or baby goat should be the first trial.. as a ninja u must by now know how to live in the wilderness and survive. catching wild beasts and taming them will give you 5 points.

9:17 AM  
Blogger David said...

It's my duty as a biochemist in training to provide a reality check : enzymes are degraded into amino acids by your digestive system, and anyway the enzymes in your body are very much different than those in say a cow or a tomato, so they are actually of more use to you once broken down. Heating them up will only change their shape.

also : ninjas rule

3:39 AM  
Blogger bean said...

enzymes are indeed rad. i'm a nutritional consultant, so if you have any questions, throw 'em at me. rawesome!

6:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is true that, in some cases, cooking can lessen the nutritional value of certain foods. However, the world always provides us with counter examples.

Consider the tomato, from which comes lycopene, which can significantly reduce the risk of cancer.

The only problem is you would have to eat 164 raw tomatoes to get the recommended amount of lycopene in a week...or you could serve spaghetti with 1/2 cup of sauce once a week and you would be fine.

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep it up. I enjoy your nice blog. check out my humming bird food site. It pretty much covers humming bird food related stuff.

2:44 AM  

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