Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Monday, July 25, 2005

Cap'n Romeo the Lusty and Juliet-san

First Mate Mercutio: Argh, why be you bummed, Matey?
Cap'n Romeo: My damn ship sank and I lost my booty.
First Mate Mercutio: Suckage, she was hot.
Cap'n Romeo: Arrgg.

Romeo: Methinks this parrrty sucks. It be a costume parrrty and everybody be garbed in the black of the Ninja. Harr.
Mercutio: We be at Clan Capulet's party, me matey.
Romeo: (eyes going wide) Avast! I'd like to be abonin' that wench.
Across the stage
Juliet-san: I'd like to sheath his katana. Hai!
Tybalt-san: Hmm, Pantaloons, scarves, he's either Axl Rose or a pirate, by damn. Hai!
Sensei Capulet: There's no place to plug in your electric guitar in this room. Slay him later. Hai!

that night
Romeo: Ahoy! What wench through yonder window be-abreakin?
Juliet: Damn, I broke a window. Hai!
Romeo: Hi!
Juliet: WTF? Hai!
Romeo: Hi, already. Wanna feel the motion of the ocean?
Juliet: But you're a pirate! And I see you have a laser! It can never be!
Romeo: C'mon, you're like sixteen, where's your bad-boy complex? Gimme some sweet Rum.
they kiss
Juliet: I'll not be walking your plank tonight, but we'll meet tommorrow for some sweet carnage. Hai!
Romeo: Um, Hi. Tommorrow then, (yeah, sweet!)

the next day
Romeo: Ahoy, I'll be gettin' some later, I need my "deck swabbed". Aye, I've got warts with their own tattoos.
Robot Apothecary: Bzz, you have a very complicated case of VD. You have gonorherpsyphamydia. Beep, bring the female unit with you later, I may be able to inoculate her. [End of line]

Zombie Nursemaid: Brains?
Romeo: Yeah, I'm the scurvy dog (scurvier than you know). Tell the saucy wench to meet me at the family planning clinic at 2.
Zombie: Brains!!!
Romeo: I know she's a ninja dammit! But she's the only booty on my hidden map (sigh).
Zombie: Brains.
Romeo: I'm glad you understand. 2:00 then. Arrrgh.

again, later
Zombie: Brains!
Juliet: But I want to do him! Not in the assassination sense.
Zombie: Brains, Brains.
Juliet: Meet him at 2:00? I can't wait! Hai!

around 3:30 (pirates are always late)
Robot: Do you promise to use this topical cream every day?
Romeo: Argg!
Robot: Goto 10
Juliet: Hai!
Robot: I pronounce you momentarily non-contagious. You may kiss the female. [End of line]

around 3:37
Romeo: Arrrr, arrrr, arrrr, almost to port!
Juliet: Hai, Hai, Hai!
Romeo: Shiver me timbers!
Juliet: I'm trying, baby!
Romeo: Arrrgg, X marks the spot. So, get me a beer.

the next day
First Mate Mercutio: you be whack, fool!
Romeo: Wait, I'm confused. Are you black in this version too?
Mercutio: Whateverrr. She's a ninja from Clan Capulet, you stupid honky mutha.
Romeo: Arr, I care not, I shall never be separated from me booty again.
Mercutio: Tybalt-san's gonna cap yo ass. Arr.
Tybalt-san: There you are! Time to flip out! Hadoken!
Mercutio: Scurvy honky crackers! I'll be keel-haulin' you in hell! (dies)
Romeo: Wow! you're a dick. I'm the one sailing your cousin's waterways!
Tybalt-san: Nice blouse, bitch. Prepare to die. Hai!
Romeo: Wait, um, your guitar popped a string!
Tybalt: (looks away) WTF?
Romeo: Die scurvy dog! (lasers him) Oh no, my girlfriend is gonna be pissed!

Robot Apothecary: So you see, no pirate has ever killed a ninja. Therefore you are not a real pirate. You must leave town. [End of line]
Romeo: I'll not part from my booty!
Robot: Clan Capulet will kill you. Leave town and I will contact you later. BZZZ beep!

Juliet: He could not have been a real pirate! He lasered Tybalt-san!
Zombie Nursemaid: Brains.
Juliet: True dat, the exception that proves the rule. And Tybalt was kind of a dick. But this is all my fault! To redeem Tybalt-san's honor I must commit Seppuku, Hai!
Robot barges in.
Robot: Pirate unit wants to contact ninja unit. At his request I have developed water soluble frisbees. Commit Seppuku with this and go into a meditative trance until Cap'n Romeo pours water down your throat. You honor Tybalt unit and can still tap that ass. [End of line]
Zombie: yay! Brains!
Juliet: Yes, a worthy idea! Hai!

After Zombie and Robot leave, Juliet-san shoves frisbee into face until it is no longer visible.

Act V
Lame Italian pirate on moped: Yo Cap'n Romeo, your booty's getting buried.
Romeo: Arrgh! It's drivin' me nuts! (Sails offstage.)
Robot: (Enters stage and looks around frantically) Must transmit plan. Error, Error.

the next day
Juliet lies dead on a bier, Romeo sails in.
Romeo: Yo, ho! She lies destined for Davy Jones' locker. Bummage. (Pulls out laser and bottle of rum) A drink for me (downs a swig) and my wench (pours some rum down her throat). Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! (lasers self)
Juliet: (Awakening after several minutes) Gawd, it's a funeral, can't he EVER wear black? Wait, he used to have a head. Oh no, no! (Flips out and kills self. Fails to wail on electric guitar.) Hai!
With thanx to Guttervoice,
Pirate/Ninja Relations Liason.


Blogger muffin said...

Yes, I realize that Bill Shakespeare is spinning in his shallow grave. I could've been worse, though. I was going to do a ninja version of "Love in the Time of Cholera".

1:26 PM  
Blogger Milkshake said...

I think my favorite part is Robot: GoTo 10.

Tee-hee. Muffin makes me giggle.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Kay-D said...

Sad thing is, I followed that better than the actual play.

6:50 PM  
Blogger shelby. said...

this is an example of literature (if you could call it that) that todays society can actually understand. not sure if i like this or the actual play better.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous pant said...

Muffin OMG!

I pretty much yacked up a Yetti because of that post.

Holy Crap!

11:56 PM  
Blogger PANT said...


I hacke dup a yetti!

just sayin that was a big funny

11:58 PM  
Blogger PANT said...


that made me hack up a Yetti!

all Im sayin is that was some serious funny!

12:00 AM  
Blogger Thaozee said...

I cried when she didn't wail one last time... :( damn you cruel world!!

8:24 AM  
Blogger Milkshake said...

There. Right there. I rule. RULE I TELL YOU! Who's the fastest post-er now, huh Thao? Huh? I have mad robot/daemon skills! Pirates can lick my blog!

1:04 PM  
Blogger Maggi-nifica said...

the imagery was so vivid...I can almost see Leo DeCraprio and
perenial frown face Clare Danes playing it out.

10:44 AM  
Blogger Thaozee said...

Damn you Miranda. I'm gonna lick your face!

9:09 AM  
Blogger Minona said...

"Zombie: Brains!!!"

They make any story that much better, and with pirates AND ninjas, it makes for a truly epic story. :P

11:58 AM  
Blogger Milkshake said...

But lo, in the hill above the Mission, on the Sesame Street that is Haight between Fillmore and Steiner, a great boom echoed through the land: "There will be no face licking today, as truly Miranda has created a blog among blogs."

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Jennifren said...

How funny!!

I laughed out loud for like ten minutes after reading this post--if I had a yetti, I'd probably have yacked it up, too!

8:27 AM  
Blogger muffin said...

Everyone has a yeti, deep inside. Go, and find your inner yeti, that you may yak it up on command.

9:42 AM  
Anonymous Jennifren said...

Okay I looked, but I didn't find a Yeti.

I did find a water buffalo, though. And I also found a baby kangaroo (mine is pink and yours is blue!)

9:39 PM  
Blogger muffin said...

Rock out with the Veggie Tales references! French Jennie frocks!

11:24 AM  
Blogger FilthyRottenAngel said...

oh, my, god.

Zombies, Ninjas, pirates, robots, MOPEDS!!!

This is wonderful... my inner yeti has been forcibly expunged from my body do to violent chortles, hai!

12:20 PM  
Blogger RhyssFen said...

omg. never seen in that way... xDDDD

7:56 AM  
Blogger Andrew Najberg said...

wow. That's funny stuff. I like the inclusion of zombies. Every story ever told would benefit from zombies. A few years ago, I wrote a ninja version of the last supper. Seems appropriate for this page.

10:05 PM  
Blogger muffin said...

Well, Andrew, by all means. Cut and paste like a mofo! We wanna see!

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Blogger Shooterchick said...

Thank god somebody made Romeo and Juliet interesting..I am a freshman in High school and we just got done reading Romeo and Juliet and I never got one word of it!!! AHHHHHHHH so confusing! This is frickin great I laughed my ass off when I read it .

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