Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I can't possibly be the first person to notice this ...

The new pope:

Emporer Palpatine:

Coincidence?

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

My High School District (Suffolk county) has an Awsome shirt

I didn't see a vagina up-close until I was 18. Today, at 22, I've seen at least seven of them. My name is Jakob Lodwick, and I sell T-shirts.



Sunday, April 17, 2005

A side note

To my great disappointment, I was informed today that the Kawasaki Ninja is not, in fact, a genetically engineered, vat-grown clone assassin manufactured specifically for the Tessier-Ashpool corporation.

It is actually a rather lame sport motorcycle that is prone to breakdowns and humiliation in the quarter-mile.

In other news, pirates still blow goats.

The Ninja Zeitgeist

It has been stated in certain comments to entries on this blog that ninjas have not fully grasped the zeitgeist of the time. While this was clearly some sort of wrongheaded, rum-fueled tirade from a sodden-minded pirate lover, I would still like to take this opportunity to rebut.

Ninjas don't need no stinkin' zeitgeist. All they need is the ability to ROCK. And flip the fuck out. Hard. And anybody who says any different clearly is in need of a serious ass-whooping. And I'm sure a ninja has already set out on a quest to dispense just such a beating to the stinking, swashbuckling, laser-wielding pegleg who originally brought up this whole zeitgeist thing.

So pirates, beware. Any further talk of a zeitgeist will get you an ontology shoved so far up your ass you will wish that you had a frisbee (so you could do the honorable thing and commit seppuku).

Moto has poor impulse control

So I woke up Saturday morning with a mission. It was a gorgeous day, and I was going to go for a ride.

My trusty old Bandit 400 had been coughing and sputtering, and the battery was dead. So I was gonna push-start that sucker and get it to the Suzuki shop for a nice spring cleaning and new battery. I packed my backpack, grabbed my helmet, and proceeded to waddle at high speed with a motorcycle between my legs trying to get the damn thing to turn over.

See, the longer a motorcycle sits unused, the harder it is to get it to start again, and I hadn't ridden the old girl in quite a few weeks.

Twenty minutes later, half a mile down the street, panting and defeated, I decided it wasn't going to happen. I would push the still-silent bike back to the house, get in my car, and go buy a damn battery.

Five minutes later, huffing and puffing even harder, I was almost back to the driveway and decided, just for shits and giggles, to pop the clutch one last time to see if the engine would crank. VROOM.

I still should have just gone and bought a new f*ing battery.

But, never one to let an opportunity pass me by, I took advantage of the fact that my bike was running and rode directly out to the Suzuki shop. I told the service guys what needed done, and they said they'd be finished around Tuesday.

Crap.

I just rode my motorcycle (which I doubt I can get started again, BTW) out 15 miles from home, my roommates are still probably in bed, and I'm not getting my ride back for at least four days. Worse yet, I don't get to take advantage of this gorgeous weather for a nice long ride.

"Ah, well," think I, "Maybe I'll just peek at the new bikes on the dealer side of the shop, and dream of a day when I have a bike that's reliable and fast and maybe with a little less rust and peeling clearcoat. I'll entertain myself for another half hour, then bug my roommates to give me a ride home, like I should have planned before this little expedition ... "

... Two hours later ...

Okay, so they had a really really appealing financing deal, and now I own a yellow Suzuki SV650S. It rocks HARD. Pictures to follow.

By the way, the Bandit's still going to be in full working order middle of next week. Know anybody looking to buy a bike?

Saturday, April 16, 2005

This may get a little creepy...Grab a snack!

Sorry I have not posted in so long the past couple weeks have been grueling. I may quit.

I will start a Rock-A-Billy band. We will be called Cletis Membrane. Our lyrical forays will be confined to breakfast foods found around the country and sex with loose women. At the height of our fame will eschew huge venues in favor of playing all occasions, including bar Mitzvas all over.

Songs like:
"I'm Gonna Make That Waffle Behave!",
the sultry teaser- "I Won't Be Able To Identify You Later If You Wear That"
the incomparable "This Omelette May Have Socialist Underpinnings"
and the crowd favorite "Blintz On All Fours"....


...will be timeless classics set to the parodying melodies that both 13 year girls and the Beach Boys will agree is ghastly, but endearing.

I will leave Cletis just before tragedy befalls the band, I will not however make it out unscathed: stricken with irreversible damage to my liver and speech patterns.

I am so glad muffin is here. However I am sorry that I was not able to post sooner and show my gratitude, as well as other things that end in "tude". IE my longitude as well as my girthatude.

When is MotoMike going to post?

Quote of the day:
When asked if he could walk with us (instead of making us stop so he could slowly and painfully articulate a question having to do with 50 cents) He pointed to the tree and delivered a loving gaze to a small tree that was busy shading multiple cans of Slitz Malt Liquor...

"Naw..sorry I cant walk wit-choo; I got obligations,"

Not being able to argue with that, Tom handed over the change.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Sin City, should be more about food, less about vengence

Muffin is SO right. With that much vengeance, torture and feverish disemboweling, I thought that there should be a balance. It could be offset with some sweeping shots of large meals splayed out as the fruits for such difficult work.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Women, lose weight

Well, it is spring in glorious Clemson, and so I've once again resumed my hobby of ogling, barking, and walking into lampposts. However, over the long winter, I do believe that most of the women in town have gained a few pounds. This is an outrage. Why should the quality of my leering be decreased just because these women don't have the self-control to starve themselves in the weeks before spring? Thus, we must start a campaign to reduce the self-esteem of the entire female population, making them more eager to please us.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

My pants are gonna teach you some important lessons