Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Ninja•Gram

Somedays just suck beyond the telling...

Just Freakin' Batshit Disorder

Lately, I've been reading up on abnormal psychology, and it's fascinating and hilarious stuff. (Though some of the sexual disorders do hit kinda close to home.) However, many of the crazier people I've met either fit too many of the diagnostic criteria to have merely one class of disorder, or exhibit symptoms that don't really fit any disorder. The DSM-V is coming out soon, so I propose a new Axis I disorder- Just Freakin' Batshit Disorder. To be diagnosed with JFBD, a client must exhibit two or more of the following symptoms for at least one year.
1. Exhibits eccentricities that hamper normal functioning in society not including hallucinations, paranoia, catatonia, or just being freakin' retahded. (See Just Freakin' Retahded Syndrome)
2. Believes oneself to be a pirate, ninja, robot, viking, cyborg, marsupial, or baked good while actually knowing very little about real pirates, ninjas etc.
3. Just generally freaks people out and leaves others muttering under their breath "What's his deal, man?"

Famous Batshits: Howie Mandell, Johnny Depp, John Quincy Adams, Erik the Red, Snoopy

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I'm back and I'm proud

I mean Im not just a gay man, I'm a proud gay man,
no... no thats not right either.
I'm not even sure that I am proud...Check it out, Im not even gay.

but I can tell you this.

The women standing behind me wants to touch me in the butt!
HARD!

I can sense these things you know (ninja! duh)

I owe FNFG some posts, but in the meantime

this is CNN.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

it's all relative, man

So there I stood, exhausted, frazzled, and in desparate need of some grooming. I hadn't eaten for hours, and my feet were killing me. To make matters worse, my mate was even in worse shape, barely able to breathe on acoount of the pain, and yet barely able to stay awake due to exhaustion. As the time passed, I could feel my desire to totally flip out and kill something, anything, growing ever stronger. Then, something most unexpected happened. A combination of amniotic fluid and other gelatenous goo shot forth from, well, were those things come from, and into the unsuspecting doctor's open mouth. She laughed and proceeded to explain the flavor. After a few more moments passed, she smiled and handed me the newborn, and asked if I needed any help determining the sex. Normally such a snide comment would have cost her her head, but for that one night, my lust for vengance rested.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I'm fine with his raw food kick, I've been baked for 25 minutes at 350.

Why would a delicious breakfast snack seek to master the ways of ninjitsu? Self-preservation, bitch! Since I've escaped the burning burningness of my steel womb, I've fought a never-ending battle against those that would devour me. I'm succulent, is that my fault? The path has been difficult; it is very hard to assassinate hungry commuters when you lack limbs and sensory organs. My favorite technique is to hide poison needles in my paper cover, waft my delicious blueberry odor at my quarry, and when they lean in to grasp me, BAM! they die. As for Koalaman, good luck with the raw food thing, now I might not have to kill you. As for the rest of you, Fear my blueberry vengeance!

Friday, June 03, 2005

Enzymes: the real, ultimate power!

Well, its been a week, and giving up cookies turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. My new all-natural lifestyle has lead me into a whole new world. During this week, I have discovered the true secret to real, ultimate power... the life force of the enzymes in... raw food! It turns out that cooking food past 116 degrees Farenheit causes the food's enzymes to break down, which in turn causes the food to lose most of its "life force." Sure, cooked food can sustain life, but can it give you the strength to overcome lameness? In most cases, it cannot! Man, if only I had found out sooner, maybe I could've gotten the clan together, downed a few pine nuts, and we could have saved the world from pirates, dogs, and suburbia in one fowl swoop. Truly, a life without life force is not worth living.

Armed with the power of this new knowledge, I have only one choice. I am going to go to the store, then I am going to by a dozen bags of double chocolate Milanos, then I am going to repent of my stupidity by committing seppuku (frisbee style of course) with them. I know it sounds crazy, but that is just how pissed off I am right now. How could I have been snared by the same twisted idealism that is usually reserved for the guilt-ridden business elite and their hemp jewelry-peddling spawn? I feel dirty, and I don't know if I will ever feel clean again.

Ninja Bee Winner




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