Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Monday, July 25, 2005

Cap'n Romeo the Lusty and Juliet-san

ACT I
First Mate Mercutio: Argh, why be you bummed, Matey?
Cap'n Romeo: My damn ship sank and I lost my booty.
First Mate Mercutio: Suckage, she was hot.
Cap'n Romeo: Arrgg.

Later
Romeo: Methinks this parrrty sucks. It be a costume parrrty and everybody be garbed in the black of the Ninja. Harr.
Mercutio: We be at Clan Capulet's party, me matey.
Romeo: (eyes going wide) Avast! I'd like to be abonin' that wench.
Across the stage
Juliet-san: I'd like to sheath his katana. Hai!
Tybalt-san: Hmm, Pantaloons, scarves, he's either Axl Rose or a pirate, by damn. Hai!
Sensei Capulet: There's no place to plug in your electric guitar in this room. Slay him later. Hai!

ACT II
that night
Romeo: Ahoy! What wench through yonder window be-abreakin?
Juliet: Damn, I broke a window. Hai!
Romeo: Hi!
Juliet: WTF? Hai!
Romeo: Hi, already. Wanna feel the motion of the ocean?
Juliet: But you're a pirate! And I see you have a laser! It can never be!
Romeo: C'mon, you're like sixteen, where's your bad-boy complex? Gimme some sweet Rum.
they kiss
Juliet: I'll not be walking your plank tonight, but we'll meet tommorrow for some sweet carnage. Hai!
Romeo: Um, Hi. Tommorrow then, (yeah, sweet!)

the next day
Romeo: Ahoy, I'll be gettin' some later, I need my "deck swabbed". Aye, I've got warts with their own tattoos.
Robot Apothecary: Bzz, you have a very complicated case of VD. You have gonorherpsyphamydia. Beep, bring the female unit with you later, I may be able to inoculate her. [End of line]

later
Zombie Nursemaid: Brains?
Romeo: Yeah, I'm the scurvy dog (scurvier than you know). Tell the saucy wench to meet me at the family planning clinic at 2.
Zombie: Brains!!!
Romeo: I know she's a ninja dammit! But she's the only booty on my hidden map (sigh).
Zombie: Brains.
Romeo: I'm glad you understand. 2:00 then. Arrrgh.

again, later
Zombie: Brains!
Juliet: But I want to do him! Not in the assassination sense.
Zombie: Brains, Brains.
Juliet: Meet him at 2:00? I can't wait! Hai!

around 3:30 (pirates are always late)
Robot: Do you promise to use this topical cream every day?
Romeo: Argg!
Robot: Goto 10
Juliet: Hai!
Robot: I pronounce you momentarily non-contagious. You may kiss the female. [End of line]

Act III
around 3:37
Romeo: Arrrr, arrrr, arrrr, almost to port!
Juliet: Hai, Hai, Hai!
Romeo: Shiver me timbers!
Juliet: I'm trying, baby!
Romeo: Arrrgg, X marks the spot. So, get me a beer.

the next day
First Mate Mercutio: you be whack, fool!
Romeo: Wait, I'm confused. Are you black in this version too?
Mercutio: Whateverrr. She's a ninja from Clan Capulet, you stupid honky mutha.
Romeo: Arr, I care not, I shall never be separated from me booty again.
Mercutio: Tybalt-san's gonna cap yo ass. Arr.
Tybalt-san: There you are! Time to flip out! Hadoken!
Mercutio: Scurvy honky crackers! I'll be keel-haulin' you in hell! (dies)
Romeo: Wow! you're a dick. I'm the one sailing your cousin's waterways!
Tybalt-san: Nice blouse, bitch. Prepare to die. Hai!
Romeo: Wait, um, your guitar popped a string!
Tybalt: (looks away) WTF?
Romeo: Die scurvy dog! (lasers him) Oh no, my girlfriend is gonna be pissed!

ACT IV
Robot Apothecary: So you see, no pirate has ever killed a ninja. Therefore you are not a real pirate. You must leave town. [End of line]
Romeo: I'll not part from my booty!
Robot: Clan Capulet will kill you. Leave town and I will contact you later. BZZZ beep!

later
Juliet: He could not have been a real pirate! He lasered Tybalt-san!
Zombie Nursemaid: Brains.
Juliet: True dat, the exception that proves the rule. And Tybalt was kind of a dick. But this is all my fault! To redeem Tybalt-san's honor I must commit Seppuku, Hai!
Robot barges in.
Robot: Pirate unit wants to contact ninja unit. At his request I have developed water soluble frisbees. Commit Seppuku with this and go into a meditative trance until Cap'n Romeo pours water down your throat. You honor Tybalt unit and can still tap that ass. [End of line]
Zombie: yay! Brains!
Juliet: Yes, a worthy idea! Hai!

After Zombie and Robot leave, Juliet-san shoves frisbee into face until it is no longer visible.

Act V
Lame Italian pirate on moped: Yo Cap'n Romeo, your booty's getting buried.
Romeo: Arrgh! It's drivin' me nuts! (Sails offstage.)
Robot: (Enters stage and looks around frantically) Must transmit plan. Error, Error.

the next day
Juliet lies dead on a bier, Romeo sails in.
Romeo: Yo, ho! She lies destined for Davy Jones' locker. Bummage. (Pulls out laser and bottle of rum) A drink for me (downs a swig) and my wench (pours some rum down her throat). Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! (lasers self)
Juliet: (Awakening after several minutes) Gawd, it's a funeral, can't he EVER wear black? Wait, he used to have a head. Oh no, no! (Flips out and kills self. Fails to wail on electric guitar.) Hai!
With thanx to Guttervoice,
Pirate/Ninja Relations Liason.

Monday, July 11, 2005

less flipping out, more killing

So the other day, as climbed back up into the tree after a long day of tripping out in between naps, I was greeted by the sight of two of the lil' joey's sitting quietly on their "time out" branches. "What'd they do this time?" I asked. "They were saying 'HIYYYAAA!' in the tree," my mate said. I was shocked. "So What?" I asked. Are you trying to sissify them by crushing their will to flip out?" "No," she replied, "I just want to teach them good values, you know, raise them right."

Damn. That's just lame. I don't like to cramp mama's style, but this was too much. I didn't want to burn the tree down though, so I figured I'd explain my position; you know... elighten her. "OK," I started, "but think ahead. What's gonna happen when a dog, or a pirate, or some vegetarianian comes up to to devour them? Are they supposed to stay chill just because they're in a tree? Doesn't that sorta undermine the whole 'I'm gonna make you go die and not even care' values we are have been working so hard to instill? Did you think of that?"

Then I got a reminder as to why mama tends the joeys.

"Sorry, dear. I didn't realize you were trying to raise samuri. I just figured that if they were announce their intent to destroy to all creation that they would probably reduce the liklihood that they would convert their detructive energies into a proper slaughter. I see your point though. From now on, I won't try to stress precision. I'll just let them bounce around attacking everything that moves, and figure they'll probably land a strike sooner or later."

What was I thinking? It seems I had lost my balance. Is not caring important? Sure. And do we need to flip out and go nuts sometimes, killing all bystanders without even thinking twice about it? Absolutely! But let's not forget the value of stealth, precision, and focus. Sometimes we conquer with the sword, but other times victory is won with some well placed bunji sticks. Man, I gotta hand it to her. She's one heck of a mom.