Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Thursday, November 23, 2006

A Reclusive Life Doesn't Have To Be a Disengaged Life

I promise I am not complaining. Really, I am not, although it may sound like I am. In doing battle with pirates everywhere, I have recently been unable to avoid the question...

WHERE ARE ALL THE NINJAS???

I understand that we are difficult to pick out of a croud, and that we sorta specialize in the whole "solitary assassin" thing. If someone asked me, "hey, koalaMan, I am starting a ninja-union, do you want to join?" I would be like, "no way man! That's totally lame!" But really, you think that with my precision, my speed, and my general rage, I would sense a ninja from time to time, but the radar is pretty much flatlined these days, which is not cool at all.

Don't get me wrong, I am not scared of pirates. They are totally wusses, and ten pirates wouldn't stand a chance against even a modestly-adept ninja (say, one that has a weakness for the biscuits or something.) However, we do need to get down out of the tree, unsheath our shurikens and our laser guns, and get George Washington on their Martin Van Buren asses! Like the 8th president of the United States, pirates may be dense, hairy wusses, but also like ole' kinderhook, pirates stick together and help their own to get ahead. Furthermore, they have recently been demonstrating a disturbing aptitude for improving their image through various media, like music and cinema. Every day it seems like I see some person who seems okay at first, but then is like, "yeah, I love pirates! They are really cool!" Why? I think you know, and so I'll spare you the tirade. But seriously, ninjas-- time is short. Remember, especially while you Yanks are giving thanks today, that a real ultimate holiday is coming up, and then it will be time to show thanks. Flip out on a pirate. Eat a bagel (or a muffin) while wailin' on a scone-eater. Do something, anything, just to show that we're out there. We gotta start biting back, or we'll be drinkin' rum and reelin' like vermin before you know it.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Vengeance must and will be mine

Okay, so obviously, I had better apologize for not having gotten a post up for a year. To be honest, I was getting a bit too comfortable up in the tree. It seemed that we ninjas had the whole "pirate problem" under control. As if their insipid music weren't enough, their complete and utter aversion to electric guitars was a sure sign of bad taste. Yeah, life seemed good...

... but only because I had my head stuck up in my, err, tree!

The other day, while I was tryin' to rub the sleep and the blood from my most recent victim from my eyes, I heard one of my wee ones screamin' "arrrrrrrrrr....." What? What is this? I cannot be. "Little one," I asked, "what was that?" Surely she was just practicing her frisbee-folding techniques or something I thought, but again she yelled, "arrrrrrrrr....." To which I responded "What is that?"

The next thing I heard had me looking for a laser guided, scone-coated, frisbee of death.

"I'm a pirate daddy! arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....."

Okay, so it's like that now. Can't fight me wuss-to-marsupial, eh? Have to go after the Joey's huh? Well, now it's on. You know that look that women tend to get when you tell them that men are better drivers, or that barristas get when you tell them their espresso is almost as good as Starbucks? Well, that's me now. I am that barrista, and I am that women. Err, or not. But you get my point. I am totally pissed, and pirates are going to get hurt. And not just by me either. No, I am calling up the real ultimate ninja: George Freakin' Washington! Yeah, and we're going to put a hurt down on anyone who gets in our way. Pain is coming, and it's coming hard and fast. By flipping out and wasting pirates all over the world you can be sure: we are going to save children, but not save pirate children. Oh yes, make no mistake: the world's scurvy rate's are goin' down for sure.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, the Joey's are all fine now. I'll tell that story one day, but for now, I cannot make merriment until pirate faces are hurt.